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Pretty much every parent wants to raise kids who turn out to be good people. Almost no father thinks: I\\u2019d love for my son to be rich, but awful. Or I\\u2019d love for my daughter to be famous, but vapid and cruel. It\\u2019s a given.\\xa0

And yet, when you look at most of what we do and say as parents, especially as our kids get older, it\\u2019s clear that what we\\u2019re actually encouraging and incentivizing is for our kids to be successful. We want to hear how they did on their math test and whether they came in first running laps in PE. We want to know what college they want to go to, and how their extracurriculars are going. We nudge them toward a field of work that\\u2019s lucrative, that\\u2019s exciting, that will mean they won\\u2019t have to worry about money. The problem is that none of this has anything to do with what deep down we actually know we want\\u2014that we want them to be good and kind and wonderful to be around.\\xa0

So, clearly, it\\u2019s time to rethink some things. As Adam Grant and his wife, Allison Sweet Grant, wrote in a wonderful piece for The Atlantic, maybe the key is to stop trying to raise successful kids. Maybe the key is to change what you give attention to at home and in conversation. Instead, you need to actively discuss and reward thinking about the values that have to do with character. As they write:\\xa0

\\u201cTo demonstrate that caring is a core value, we realized that we needed to give it comparable attention. We started by changing our questions. At our family dinners, we now ask our children what they did to help others. At first, \\u2018I forget\\u2019 was the default reply. But after a while, they started giving more thoughtful answers. \\u2018I shared my snack with a friend who didn\\u2019t have one,\\u2019 for example, or \\u2018I helped a classmate understand a question she got wrong on a quiz.\\u2019 They had begun actively looking for opportunities to be helpful, and acting upon them.\\u201d

Brilliant. And practical and actionable.\\xa0

It\\u2019s worth every father building into their breakfast and dinner conversations and time driving in the car. Don\\u2019t ask them about the things that don\\u2019t matter in the big scheme of things, don\\u2019t teach them that they can impress you with accomplishments alone. Show them that excellence is what matters\\u2014moral excellence. That being a good person is not just what you pay lip service to, but what you are always thinking about.\\xa0

So they will too.\\xa0

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